Alone or lonely??

A chasm of difference, whether you are lonely or alone. You can be alone and happy. Or you could be with someone and lonely and sad. I enjoy walking in the crowd and yet being alone and peaceful. And there have been times when I am with the people I love and care about, yet I have been depressed. It happens so often when alone , I can get in touch with myself, talk to myself and be the listener too. I debate over topics, over what to have for dinner , what to wear... We all do. And then I don't get hurt by the comments made by myself, about me. Some call it schizophrenic, but I love being alone. It is anyday better than waiting to be heard in the crowd and hoping and praying that the loneliness passes you by. But then later on, in the grips of loneliness, longing to be alone and peaceful.

Scattered ...

It is very difficult to appear as a whole. A whole person, with rational thoughts and sane words. I find bits of me scattered throughout the timeline that I have lived so far. Some bits of me left out there, attached to different memories. The first time I got to go out alone with my friends, that sense of ultimate independence attached with that moment! I still cannot get that bit of me out of that space and time. Then that bit of me that was left when my heart first broke... I still cannot find that piece to fit in to the void that still remains. And then those parts of me that are floating in the memories of those friends and pals. So many bits and pieces! How to be present in this moment and to live this moment to the fullest? As I still wonder and ponder about this problem, yet another bit of me gets embedded in this blog, hoping to be read and understood. People come and go, some take a part of me willingly and with fondness. Yet there are those who have torn away at my wholeness, perhaps unwittingly or may be deliberately, I cannot say. Sometimes the sheet of my conciousness gets riddled by holes, different parts and diffeent memories drift in and out of those holes. The pain of hurting a loved one, the joy of beholding a new life in myself, the anger of losing out on life, the guilt og letting down, and the sorrow of a lost love. All these things and more I attempt to hold together, in the futile attempt of resembling a whole...

Unbiased judgement...

The past colours flow into the present to tint the vision of the viewer. How can anyone be perfectly unbiased or non-judgemental? No one can, only saints maybe. Whenever we meet someone, the first impression formed itself is biased. Look at the person's shoes... and the clothes! What about friends and friendship? Is this seemingly 'above all' relationship suffer from the pain of judgement? We confide in our friends, the black, white and the grays of our lives are often laid bare in front of out friends. We lay bare our skeletons and our closets. At night, we sleep peacefully, covered with the quilt of trust. Sometimes this trust scares me. Of being so naked and vulnerable and to trust so much. But then that is what God made friends for. To place out implicit trust in them. Just as a toddler trusts its mother... this is the kind of trust that is there. But then no one has seen the screenplay of God.
But till then, I for sure, hope and pray every night that I may never judge so much as to be judged... that my vision of my loved ones be free of the stains of their past... May the Almighty give all my friends the same vision.. Amen!